20 Hours

Last week has been interesting.

Well, not all pleasant. Some parts of it caused me to be fearful for a day.

On a Monday night I realized that I was feeling extremely tired.  Most of my friends have been sharing that since March most of them have felt more tired even they have been physically well.  And there had been times when Ifelt the same way.

However, I could tell that this felt different than the previous times.  I found myself feeling the need to lie down before dinner. And when it was time for dinner, I had to really struggle to gather the energy to even sit at a dining room chair.

As some you might know, I had been caught up with the Pandemic in Istanbul while I was visiting my Mom in Istanbul. I had to stay in Istanbul and with her since that time.  My regular routine would have been travelling between Istanbul and Fethiye for work and family, but in my new normal since I have to been Istanbul and that frequent continuous travel is not plausible, I am in this big city now.

Well, that night I felt scared for the first time, when I also realized that I was starting to get a fever.  The fear that I might have been in contact with Covid-19 came to my mind for the first time.  I had been very careful and had quite controlled and limited contact with people, and with very limited time in crowds, yet it was not like in March and April, when even though we did not have a full lockdown in Turkey, we acted like we need.  Yet, as time passed by over the months, with things that needed to be done, more exposure to crowds was inevitable to some extent.

On that Monday, as the evening progressed, I was also starting to have an upset stomach and in my mind I was trying to run over the things that I had done, or the people that I had seen in the last few weeks.  The time lag in Covid is the most difficult aspects in dealing with it.  How much back in time would I need to go to be able to tract how I might have contracted it if I indeed did?

My fever was not going over 38C. And normally, if this had happenned before the Pandemic, I would probably take some medication for my fever and maybe some flu medicine and had gone to sleep.  However, this time I was not sure what it was.  For that reason, I did not take any medication.

The next 20 hours or so went by with this terrible feeling of extreme tiredness and a fever that does not go up or go down, in this continuous and constant state of feeling sick.  As the second night was approaching, I had decided that I should plan to go to a hospital the next day.  Following the news, I was not sure if I would be tested, yet living with an older person, I felt the need to at least try.  I was trying to figure out where and when to go, and also to call my cousin who was also our family doctor. He was on a vacation with his family and I had wanted to wait a little before contacting him.

Then, during the 21st hour of my extreme tiredness and living with a slight fever, almost magically stopped.  All of it. The fever was gone.  I was a little tired, but nothing that stopped me from getting up, moving around or doing some errands.  My stomach and intestines were suddenly also ok. I was feeling hungry for the first time.  It was as if something was lifted from over me, and I was almost back to normal.

I seriously do not know what and why this happenned.   In the coming days I probably will go to a hospital for a checkup as I have been trying to avoid hospitals since March.  

However, at that time as I was feeling ill, I could not help think about the things that I needed to do and how to take care of them in case I got worse. What would happen with the people and things that I needed to take of?  At the peak of the pandemic, I had taken various precautions, preparing bags for my mom that she might use in case she needs to be hospitalized or if another emergency occurs. Stocking up on some of her medications or necessary items in case I would not be around to take care of her.  This preparation included some of the things that I needed to do for work as well. Preparing emergency folders or organising as much work as I could in advance. Yet, still there was a limit to what could be done in advance.  

During those twenty hours,  hundreds of thoughts passed my mind.   Hundreds of possible scenarios about how the days that follow might be like.  The very optimistic scenarios and the extremely bad ones and their ramifications.  Since I did not have the energy to move, which was different from my vertigo attacks which do not allow me to think in addition to not being able to move because of the continuous dizziness and the feeling of lack of balance, this time, I had a lot of time to think.  I had taken many courses over the years, yet those twenty hours were like a crash course in awareness.  Like a hidden blessing.

Some of my friends in Japan believe that every illness is a purification, preparing us for something better, allowing us to release what is not needed anymore. They believe that illness is in a way also a physical way to let go of what does not serve us.   If that is the case for me or not, I do not know. 

Yet, what I know is, although this was a tiny, tiny incident in the course of my life, I feel like it has interestingly caused a shift in me.  

And maybe not today,  but I would like to share in the coming weeks how it has allowed me to bring together some of things that I have been studying and learning in the past twenty years.

I do not know what the future or even tomorrow will bring me, however, I am convinced once again that it is most important to live with gratitude, with care and compassion, believing in the beauty that life has in store for us which we can access when we decide and/or choose to see it. And that our positive interpretations of reality and our willingness to see the big picture dissolves a lot of disillusionments.

I am sending lots of love and blessings to you all. Wishing you happy and healthy days. 

With love and light,

Zeynep

Affirmation of the Week:

I rejoice in who I am. I am a beautiful expression of life, flowing perfectly at al times.

Quote of the Week:

From Ovid.  “Chance is always powerful.  Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish.”

Book of the Week:

“Grit” by Angela Duckworth.

Ertugrul

This memory appeared interestingly after over 10 years.

I had had the privilege to visit the temple that some of the Turkish soldiers were treated and taken care of in, after their ship Ertugrul sank in a typhoon on September 16th, 1890 at the rocky shores of the Ooshima Island in Kushimoto, Wakayama, Japan.

532 soldiers had lost their lives and 69 could survive thanks to the search and rescue efforts carried out by the local people, the Japanese authorities and the German ship Volf and the Japanese ship Buci Maro.

I am and will always be deeply grateful to Lion Mr. Seiji Mukaiyama, a member of the Wakayama Lions Club for taking me to Kushimoto and Ooshima, to the Memorial Site for our soldiers, the Turkish Museum on the Island. Mr. Mukaiyama even introduced me to the mayor of the town in this visit. Thank you Mr. Mukaiyama. ありがとうございました.

It was very touching and heartwarming to see how the Japanese people are still so gently caring for our soldiers who are resting there with utmost respect for their memory.

That day will always be one of the most precious days of my life.

And I hope in the future I can visit the Ooshima Island and our soldiers again. May they rest in peace.

Back to Writing in English

On August 6th when I wrote in my blog in English, I realized that it had been 1 day short of four years since I published anything in that blog. 

In 2016, I had been elected to serve as the Second Vice District Governor in our Lions Clubs District in Izmir. It meant that I would be on the board for four years and serve as the District Governor and the Federation President for one year. 

I knew that these positions would take a lot of time, however, this commitment required even more of my personal time than I expected.  What made it more difficult was the fact that I lived in two cities, Istanbul and Fethiye, simultaneouly.   And since apart from one Club in Fethiye which I am a member of, the rest of the 64 Clubs were scattered in various cities and towns in Western and South Western part of Turkey, mainly in Izmir and Antalya.  

And since our District’s headquarters were in Izmir, it meant a lot of travelling and a lot of time spent away from home.  Especially during my year as the District Governor, apart from work which I had minimised for that year, and my voluntary work for Lions, I had almost no time for anything else.

I had an amazing four years with our Lions District.  I met hundreds of wonderful people in my District, in Turkey and in the World. I learned a lot.  I almost grew up in some aspects.  I feel very lucky and deeply grateful, therefore I am not really complaining.  Yet in hindsight, I realized that it meant that I had to put some of the things that I love to do on hold.  Like writing.

During those four years, except for the year I served as the District Governor of D118R of Turkey, I continued to write in Turkish, even though not as much as I used to before. 

However, I did not write in English at all. 

I love writing. In Turkish and in English, as well.  I wrote two of my books in English. They are not translations for my books in Turkish.  I really like learning and using the English language.   I used to write some of my journals in English, however, I started to write in English when I started to write a weekly column for a local English newspaper.  If I remember correctly, I wrote for that paper for at least three or four years.  I also remember how difficult It was to express what I wanted to say at first, and how the ideas and words started to flow more easily after the first year.

Today, as I decide to start to write in English again, writing feels awkward.  I find myself looking for words and they are not coming to me easily.   I feel that I will need to accept to live with this feeling of incompetence for a while.  I know from past experiences that, sometimes, even though English is a foreign language for me, I am able to express myself better.  Sometimes it really happens, or at least happened, that way. 

For that reason, I want to give it a try again.  Whlle doing that, I think, for a while, I might have to find a way to make peace with accepting my inabiliy to express myself as I would like to.  

Therefore, let this be a new beginning.

In my column in English, I used to share a quote and an affirmation each week.  I would like to continue to do that.  I hope that their message and energy will give you support.

With love and light,

Zeynep

Affirmation of the Week:

“I calm my thoughts and I am serene.”

By Louise Hay

Quote of the Week:

“Surround yourself with people who respect and treat you well.”

By Claudia Black

For Love and Peace

Most of you know that, in our before Covid life, I loved to travel. Seeing new places always intrigues and uplifts me, also makes me aware how we are all connected. I love that feeling of oneness. 

There have been only two places that have been to that left me with a different feeling of deep sadness. 

One was Sarajevo. In that beautiful city with its beautiful people, I experienced a different sadness that seemed to still linger in that city, and I had one of the most restless nights of my life without almost any sleep. My prayers are always with Sarajevo.

The second place was a museum. 

The Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum. 

I have been to Japan many times and my visit to Hiroshima was on my fourth or fifth visit to Japan. I had been to a Lions Club Convention in Fukuoka and after the convention, we were travelling in Japan with the Turkish Delegation. When we arrived in Hiroshima that day in July 2016, I was moved in general to visit to this city, and yet I was happy to be able to visit this city and in a way, I am not sure how to express this properly, but I was happy to be able to have the chance to to send love and blessings to this city that has been through great suffering. 

The city seemed to have a gentle energy and I was amazed at how peaceful and pleasant the city was given what it had been through.

Yet, what I would experience shortly would be drastically different.

We were to visit the Peace Memorial Museum. 

Shortly after we entered the Museum building and started to look at the exhibits, I stared to feel this strange rush of feelings. Feelings of pain, of sadness that seemed to overwhelm me. It took me a while to understand what I was feeling and experiencing. It felt like I was suffocating. 

I drank a little water and not to disturb anyone I decided to move a little faster. We were a group of almost 100 people, yet the feeling was getting stronger and stronger. I realized that I was not able to look at the images and exhibits any more. It was just too much. 

And I found myself almost runnig out of the building.

I still remember as I went down some stairs and outside, it felt as if I was running for my life. And I also still remember the relief that I felt as I was finally outside.

It took me a few minutes to collect myself, trying to understand what had just happenned.

After about five minutes, I looked at my phone to check the time. I had over half an hour before we were to get together with our group. And I spent the next half hour strolling in the Memorial Park in which the Museum was located. At one point, I found myself looking at the Atomic Bomb Dome from a distance, the only building that was left standing from the 1945 explosion, which was now a World Heritage Site. What I was feeling or rather experiencing at that point was more of an incomprehension. Incomprehentsion of what had taken place and how it could have. 

I love being in Japan. It is one of the places that I feel most peaceful and happy. The gentleness and kindness that I experience there, with people that know and that I do not know is so comforting, it is impossible not to miss that feeling.

On this anniversary day of one the most heartbreaking days of human history, my heart and soul wishes and prays for peace for all on our beautiful planet.