Mars and Venus, Men and Women, Loving What Is

During my energy healing and coaching work, a lot of questions come about relationships.  I have been in a marriage for seven years and I have been single for over seven years now.  I am not an expert on relationships, yet I have seen enough to be able to realize some of the patterns that bring a man and a woman together closely or separate them. 

We cannot force relationships to work, but our thoughts and actions have the power to make a difference.  I have not been able to keep my marriage together, however I was able to conclude a relationship that was not supporting for me or for my ex-husband.  I do not have regrets.  And I am realizing that, that feeling is also very important.  All relationships may not be for forever, however I also see that there are many relationships that have true love at their core and deserve better care.

There is a book that has been around for over twenty years.  “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray.  This is a book is a great tool to have a better understanding of the world of men and women.  And it is still as valid as it was the day it was published in 1992.

I think I read Dr. Gray’s book for the first time in 1993 after I came back to Turkey from Cornell University.  Of course, that Zeynep had a much different point of view of the world and life.  Since then, I must have read this book and John Gray’s other books in the series many times.  Like many of the good books, I find something new in it for me every time I read it.  “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” is one of the books that I definitely recommend you to read if you haven’t already.  “Conversations with God”, “Celestine Prophecy” and “Peaceful Warrior” are other three must reads if you are interested in energy, personal development tools or an honest sharing about spirituality.

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What does John Gray share that is so important about relationships?

One very important information is that in a relationship we usually give others what we need ourselves. And that most of the time that does that serve none of the parties involved well.  It’s like Don Miguel Ruiz says, “Don’t take it personally.”  What we say or do is mostly about us even if we try to make it look like it is about our partner.  Most of it is subconscious.

If we are not aware of our own needs as well as the specific and unique needs of our partner, we start to hurt ourselves and the other, even if we are being honest, true, giving, gentle and loving towards are partner.  When things are not going well, we are at a loss as to what happened. Understanding that we might be giving our partner what actually we ourselves need is a very simple and huge concept.  A concept that we really need to understand.

I recommend John Gray’s suggestions on what can make our relationships work. However, I also definitely want to share that we need to start with a relationship we are interested in and that we are committed to.  If there is not true love under the core, all of the approaches will turn into manipulation.  His tools are not to win a person, but to be able to make it work with a person we are interested in and who is also interested in us.  The information he shares is more about understanding ourselves and our partner and making use of that information to make both of us happy.

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“Loving What Is” is a great book by  Byron Katie.  I really like her work.  The healing process she uses is in fact called “The Work.”  Check out www.thework.com for more information on how to heal relationships.  She makes us question the hidden thoughts and motives behind our thoughts and assumptions.  We seem to be living with the stories we write about what is happening in our lives.  The reality might be different.  And sometimes it is not easy to deal with the feelings of anger, that we feel for others and even more for ourselves.

Master Thich Nhat Hanh recommends a walking meditation when angry.  In this meditation, he recommends to keep in mind and/or say the following sentences that are both acknowledgement of what is and also are affirmations:

                (Breathing in,) I know that anger is here.

                (Breathing out,) I know that the anger is me.

                (Breathing in,)  I know that anger is unpleasant.

                (Breathing out,)               I know this feeling will pass.

                (Breathing in,)  I am calm.

                (Breathing out,) I am strong enough to take care of this anger.

And to continue to walk, breathing in and out, saying these words, and focusing on the moment, on the steps, giving full focus to the contact between the souls of the feet and the earth.  He assures that we will start to enjoy our breathing, that our anger will subside and that we will feel stronger to face life.  Indeed, an

ger I believe usually arises when we do not feel strong enough to cope with what comes our way.

May your days be filled with love, compassion and trust.

Zeynep

Quote of the Week:

“Adventure is not outside; it is within.”

-          David Grayson

Affirmation of the Week:

From Louise L. Hay:  “When I encounter problems on the job, I am willing to ask for help.”

Xi’an, Ben & Jerry’s and “Sliding Doors”

On my trip to China this summer, our group leader told us that we were going to the city of Xi’an as well and for one reason, to see to “Terracotta Soldiers.”  As it is also called the Terracotta Army or the "Terra Cotta Warriors and Horses", is the name used to talk about a site that has a huge collection of terracotta sculptures depicting the armies of Qin Shi Huang, known as the first Emperor of China.  This amazing site is one of UNESCO’s World Heritage Sites.  Terracotta statues of 8000 soldiers, 520 horses with 130 chariots are the main pieces of attraction at this site.

It was  a very hot and a very humid day when we arrived in Xi’an.  The amazingly hot days we had in Turkey in July this summer seemed very innocent compared with the extremely humid summer days of China.  I remember feeling quite cool after I have been back in Turkey and although we are experiencing one of the hottest summers in history in Turkey, I am not as bothered.  A week in China was enough to change my perspective.

Back to the city of Xi’an... Xi’an has become a centre of attraction after the discovery of this site and everything is geared towards this historical site.  I find it difficult to remember anything but the city itself.  But maybe it is enough.  May be the Terracotta Army is more than enough.

Why would anyone go through the trouble of making much life-size statues, in such a manner that the face of each warrior is different than the other?   Some say that The Terracotta Army is a form of funerary art and that these were buried with the Emperor in 210–209 BC and their purpose was to protect the emperor in his afterlife, and/or to make sure that he had people to rule over.  However, since this site was discovered by coincidence by a farmer who was digging a well in 1974, no one really knows for sure.  One of the stories we were told that these statues were built so that the actual soldiers of the army would not have been killed and buried with the Emperor.  As far as I was told by our Chinese local guide in Xi’an, there are only theories and since the site was found in 1974, no official records have been found yet. 

There are amazing details about these soldiers.  They are life-sized.  All of them vary in height, size and expression.  It seems that the details also vary with the ranks of the soldiers and they are created and placed with those taken into consideration. They are thought be painted in colour as well, but in most of the statues the colours seem to have faded.

There are many details that make this UNESCO World Heritage Site and its statues amazing.  The sheer amount of work and effort behind this site is more than enough to be impressed.

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Strange things impress me at different times.  Today I was going to Şövalye Island. I realized that there were a few things that I needed to buy and I turned around to stop at Tansaş.  As I was about the finish my shopping, I saw the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream refrigerator.  Actually I had seen Ben & Jerry’s ice cream fridges in several of the big supermarkets in Fethiye over the years.  It was obviously not the first time, but I found myself going back twenty years in time.  And surprisingly almost exactly twenty years...

As I am eating my Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream, I am still surprised by the fact that I remembered my days in Vermont, USA exactly twenty years later.  I went to college in the US. The university that I went to, Cornell University, is one of the Ivy League Universities in the US and is quite a good university in the field of engineering.  Cornell University is also known in the world for its famous Medical School, which is in New York City.  The main campus of Cornell University is near the town of Ithaca in New York State.  Ithaca is about five hours driving distance to  New York City. 

When I was completing my undergraduate degree at Cornell, I was planning to stay a year or two more to get my masters degree in engineering or maybe to do an MBA. However, after my family came to attend my graduation in May 1992, I found myself planning to go back to Turkey to work with my father in our family construction company.  My father, who had had a complicated heart surgery in 1989 in Indiana was not able to work like he used to and he needed help at the family company in Turkey.  Either I was going to go back home or a partner from outside would be needed for our company.  My plans to get a masters degree started not to look that reasonable.  It was 1992.  Those years  were times when we were still writing letters on paper to our family and friends. 

I had been away from home for 18 months and I was learning about my father’s and our company’s needs at a pace much faster that I was willing.  Life has its unique ways and timings.  I was not as appreciative of the timings of the Universe then.  It took me a few years more to learn those lessons.

So there I was.  My parents, especially my mother, were trying to convince me come back to Turkey immediately after graduation.  I was sure that I should be staying to complete my masters.  Those were our first stands and reactions.  Actually my father was not saying anything.  He was just being his sweet self.  After the first week of their arrival in Ithaca, I was starting to feel that I was about to make an important decision.  I was torn between my logic and my heart.  Those few days were maybe my hardest days in life and now looking back can see why.  Those few days definitely determined my following twenty years and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life.  Roads diverge and some of these paths never come together again.

There was an interesting movie in the late 1990s called “Sliding Doors” with Gwyneth Paltrow.   In the movie the main female character is at the door of a train in London and the movies continues with two different  parallel plots, one in which she misses the train with the sliding of the door of the train and in the other she makes it to the train in that one split second.  The effect that split second has on the possible turn of events and the life of the female leading character has made me wonder every time I watched this movie.

My split second was more like a day, a Sunday in May in 1992. That decision took me to Vermont that  in the month of July in 1992, which made it possible for me to think of Vermont in a Tansaş in Fethiye on the same days in 2012.   Let me tell the details of that story at another time, yet I cannot help but share that as doors keep sliding, keep opening and closing, we seem to be swimming in a world of endless options and choices and every choice and every move seems so very important; yet, there is also the feeling that as I was staring at the Ben & Jerry’s fridge at the supermarket, oblivious of the fact that Ben & Jerry’s had been sold to Unilever about 12-13 years ago and for that reason this quite uniquely American brand of ice cream was able to make it to its own fridge in the supermarket in a small town in South-western Turkey, there was also the feeling that that moment was the only possible option for that moment.  It was the only following step for all of the millions of big and small preceding decisions.  I chose to go to China this June, I chose to apply and go to Cornell, I chose to move to Fethiye and certainly I chose to go to Tansaş this afternoon.  Still, there is more to the mystery of the choices that we make and choices that we cannot seem to make.  And surely these were not what I was planning to write for this week’s Land of Lights.

There is a lot to share about China and a lot to share about energy, decisions, fate, our callings and more.  It is clear to me that for now this is more than enough.

Let’s trust that there is time for everything and for everything there is a time. 

Wishing you a week full of love, joy and happiness. Best wishes,

Zeynep

http://www.zeynepkocasinanenglish.blogspot.com/

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Quote of the Week:

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another ‘s spiritual growth.”

-          Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled

Affirmation of the Week:

From Louise L. Hay:  “I am neither too little nor too much, and I do not have to prove myself to anyone.”

I thank you Water - I respect you Water - I love you Water

On the way to the contemplation garden in the Cluny Hill campus of The Findhorn Foundation in Scotland, there is a man-made pond. It is a small pond that seems to capture a different kind of energy. Near the pond written on the rocks and pebbles, you can read the words “I thank you Water; I respect you Water; I love you Water” in English and in many other languages. This reminded me of Masaru Emoto’s books.

I have an English copy of “The Secret Life of Water” in Fethiye.

In this book Emoto shares a story when he almost drowned when he was six or seven years old:

* “When I went home and told my mother what has happened, she gave me some advice based on her own ability to swim and her understanding of water. ‘You can float if you just give in,’ she said. She told me that if I let the water lift me instead of trying to resist it, it would pick me up and carry me.”

And Masaru Emoto continues to share. I would like to do the same:

* “... About 70 percent of our bodies are water. This is the case for adults of all races, and it is why people should not be divided by political strategies and ideologies. Just like water, people must always be allowed to flow freely. ... The desire for peace and prayers of love cannot be contained within borders. Differences in skin colour or language are easily overcome when hearts resonate together, creating a new flowing wave ....”
* “When we start to compare our happiness with that of others, we soon start resonating with the hado of unhappiness. As long as we search for happiness from outside, then it’s unlikely that true happiness can ever be found.”
* “The search for happiness is ultimately and simply a search for self. You can go searching for it in distant lands, but you’ll only find it in the palm of your hand.”
* “One treatment suggested for people with cancer is ‘life-purpose treatment.’ By finding a purpose in life –giving speeches, climbing a mountain, laughing – the immune system is revitalized and the cancer often goes into remission. It’s now common knowledge in the medical community that your mind has an enormous impact in your body.”
* “For a business to succeed, it needs to focus on what is selling well, what’s most effective, and what they do best.”
* “ Thank you.
Let’s do it.
I love you.
Beautiful.
Well done. “ Water exposed to these words from beautiful crystals. Make sure that you use these words for yourself and for people and kids you come in contacts with, for an internal health and happiness.
*“The words that make beautiful crystals from the water that flows through your body are the words that fill you with a gentle feeling of peace.”
*“The ability of the spoken word to give life is much more powerful than we can imagine.”
*“Unless we can become one with the unlimited existence, we will never find true happiness.”
* “Many of the problems that we have not even started to solve require careful resolves and bold action. And what will be necessary for us to arrive at solutions? The answer is circulation.”

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Masaru Emoto’s story reminded me of a time when I almost drowned when I was seven. I was in the summer swimming school and it was the beginning of my second week. I had learned to swim very quickly and they had moved me up 2 levels to another group in just one week.

Well, I believe that one of my beliefs that advancing rapidly and quickly is not good (even lethal) must have been influenced by what I lived through. That day I almost drowned if it was not for a teacher who realized what was going on and saved me from the bottom of the pool of the school under some platforms set for the students in the pool. I remember after being hit by the feet of some students practicing who did not see me, I remember sinking into the water or let me rephrase – floating with no clear sense of direction, which in Newtonian terms means sinking.

I made it. And I kept on swimming. However, this incident which I remembered in 2004 for the first time after 26-27 years, have been coming to my mind quite often lately. And finally I feel like I know what it wants to say:

There in this swimming school, I was very good. I had learned to swim very well and very quickly. My teachers realized this rapid advancement and they wanted to support me and acknowledge that and took me to a group 2 levels up from my beginning level. So I had started in Group 4 and in one week I was told to join Group 2 with good swimmers.

This is good so far. However, there was one point my teachers missed. I was not experienced. I had learned fast and well and I was able to apply the new knowledge. Yet, when I was by coincidence, by an unthinkable situation of not being seen by students of a lower level practicing the use of their legs in water, when I was under the influence of the waves made by 40-50 kids and under the direct influence of some those legs, I could not protect myself. And of course one thing my teachers might have also missed, I was near sighted and I was not able to see and realize that these kids were about the start to practice as I was getting out of the pool.

Many of my friends know that I like being well prepared, really well prepared. I do not like accidents and I do not like being in circumstances I am not very qualified at. People many times tell me to do things because I am very good at it; And I usually can find many excuses that I need to more of this and more of that to be qualified. When I feel ready, I am successful; but it takes time for me to accept my competence. I believe, I strongly believe, that this drowning experience has some effect.

I do not remember the name of the teacher who saved me. I only remember that I later learned that he was a friend of my piano teacher at the time, a friend of Faris Akarsu. I also remember that teacher in his wet clothes; he must have jumped into the pool with his clothes on.

... Just a short event that took place in a summer some 31 years ago. Which I almost totally forgot and of which I was reminded slowly...

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I would like to remind parents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters - be careful in the sea and the swimming pools. Make sure that your kids, relatives and friends know how to swim well and please keep a close eye on the kids.

At Cornell University, the university that I went to in Ithaca, New York, it was compulsory to know how to swim in order to graduate. I remember that quite a lot of friends from the USA and all around the world learned to swim after they started college. They had to – in order to graduate. If you do not know how to swim, how about starting to learn this summer? For yourself and for the ones you love.


With lots of light and love,
Zeynep



Affirmation of the Week:
“I am open channel for creative energy. I get rid of clutter and clear the energy around me.”
Gerd Ziegler

Quote of the Week:
“Every decision, even the ones considered wrong give us feelings of peace.”
Rita Mae Brown

Zeynep’s Movie Recommendation of the Week:
“What The Bleep Do We Know!? Down the Rabbit Hole.”
This movie is available in Turkish and also with Turkish subtitles and the Turkish title of the movie is “Biz Ne Biliyoruz ki!? Tavşan Deliği“.